my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
