I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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