I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
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Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
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The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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