I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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