I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
