Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
