Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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