i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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