So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Please, let me fuck your mom
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
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Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
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Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize