just come out here and I will go home with you...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
