I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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