How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
