M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
