everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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