she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
