those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
