i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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