My girlfriend figured out who you are.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
im holly from the hills drunk
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
