Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
