I seem to have left my pride at pride
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
