Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
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