Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
