I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
