Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
