i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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