I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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