Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
