i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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