New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
