we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
