Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
