do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
