I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
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He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
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You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I came so hard my ears popped.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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