The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
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you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
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You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.