the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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