Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
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i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
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I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.