you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
