I want to make a zoo with you.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Is Oprah even human
Dicks are not precious.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
