I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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