Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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