There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
