Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
