Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
