If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
