I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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