Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
