Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
