I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I feel like death gave me a hand job
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
