she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
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the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
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I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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