my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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