Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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