She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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