im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
