Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
