So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
