She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
