I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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